Tuesday, September 1, 2009

5 Red Flags if you're thinking about moving to Salt Lake City.

1.) People are too nice. and when I say too nice, I don't mean they're friendly and easy to get along with, I mean they're outwardly friendly even if you're a complete stranger on the street, which becomes rather arbitrary and well, annoying.


2.) The heinously outdated drinking laws here, although getting better day by day, totally fucking suck. People who live here may proudly defend Utah and it's drinking laws as being "no big deal". But quite honestly, 3.2 beer fucking totally sucks the shit out of my ass. I try and drink 10 three-two beers quickly, hoping for a nice buzz, and usually end up pissing it all away. When I go out of state I drink 4 or 5 at the same rate and end up humiliatingly drunk. It works negatively on both ends. Not to mention that Last Call at every bar must be 1am. I often find myself bored, half drunk, and aimlessly wandering for a place to conclude my night at about the same time I would be deciding where to BEGIN partying if I were in any other, normal, lively city.


3.) The cops here are pricks, and I'm only saying that from personal experience. There are probably a handful men on the SLC Police Force who are stand up guys. Just like anywhere else though, I've experienced a lot of that power trip; that "I'm a cop and you're not" syndrome we all know too well. But what separates SLC cops from cops in other places is that there's no fucking crime here, so the point where they turn from "friendly protecting-the-neighborhood" cops into "get the fuck up against the car" cops is set down a few notches. This is when you start having a cop in your face and raising his voice over your J-walking violation.


4.) The Great Salt Lake is a tease. I drive past it from time to time, and it's totally a big, gigantic, salty fucking tease. Imagine if it wasn't salty? There would be all kinds of beaches, lake activity, and definitely girls in bikinis. It would spark a whole new source of revenue for the city, which would attract more than your annual ski vacation family. Instead, what we have to deal with is a big, mucky, smelly, salty mess.


5.) The W Lounge isn't fun on Wednesday nights.

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